that vision thang

My grandfather died this morning. He was ill for some time, in a general decline from prostate cancer that he wouldn't have treated. He was a stubborn, stubborn man, right up until the end. Always did things his way and screw anyone else who got in the way. Not perfect, mind, but with plenty of vices; a typical male in my family of mostly women, thinking we couldn't do every thing a man could do, and certainly not better; ready to criticize and make fun of you at the drop of a hat. I wasn't particularly close to him. But his passing saddens me in a way that's hard to describe. I have no living grandparents left, now; he was the last one to go. I'm not in tears, torn up, beside myself, like I was with my other grandfather, but I was much closer to that grandfather.

Am I just so used to people dying, these days, as the numbers stack up-- all grandparents, my mom, my stepfather, pets too numerous to count, great aunt and uncles galore? Or was it because I saw how much pain he was in (the only time I cried was when I saw him in that hospice bed, not looking at all like himself and thrashing around in his sleep, in pain) and not its ended? This troubles me a bit. I expected to have more of a reaction than this. Doesn't mean my reaction is wrong. I'm just trying to understand it.

Current Mood: morose