that vision thang - FIC: Instrument of the Gods, 6

The tension between Lee and Kara did not abate in the journey from the Admiral’s quarters to Lee’s. Kara was less than comfortable going there, preferring a more neutral, less Dee-ish site, but neither Lee nor the Admiral had given her a choice.

Once inside, vest again removed and left in a heap next to the hatch, Kara met Lee’s gaze directly. “I’m sorry, Lee.”

Those were obviously not the words Lee was expecting, because he opened his mouth several times as if he wanted to say something, then closed it again as if he didn’t know what to say after all. The fire in him abruptly went out, the anger draining away. After a few minutes of silence, he shook his head and looked away from her. “Why?” was the only thing he said, his voice uneven over the single syllable.

“I love you, Lee,” was the only thing she could think to say just then.

It was as if she had recharged a battery; the anger returned full force and volatile. Bitterness boiled out of him. “You love me? Kara Thrace loves Lee Adama?” He laughed mirthlessly, crossing his arms against his chest in a defensive stance. “Care to try that one again?”

“I deserve that. I know it. Can I explain, though?” she asked timidly.

He stared at her hard, eyes stoney, before releasing his breath in a loud rush. “This ought to be good.”

“Flat out, I wasn’t ready.”

Lee made a noise of disbelief and disapproval, but Kara continued. “There’s a lot reasons for that, things I never told you about me, about my childhood- about my mother. I didn’t think that I would be a good mother, and I didn’t want to screw up a child like I was.” Lee’s face hardened at her words. “I also didn’t want to screw up your life any more than I already had.” Kara sighed, shifting from foot to foot nervously. The air practically seethed with Lee’s aggression. “You said that you were happy with Dee, that things were better than they’d ever been. I didn’t want to disrupt that for you, upset Dee.”

“It was a child, Kara.” Lee began pacing, running his hand through his short hair and making it stand up at all angles. “A life. More important than Dee’s feelings.”

“What about your feelings?” Kara asked carefully. “Would you really have been happy with that news? With the fact that we would be tied together forever, yet married to other people? With the responsibilities of a child, in this mess we live in?” She made her way to the nearest chair, careful to avoid looking at the bed in the corner, unmade. “Be honest, Lee.”

To give him credit, even in a temper, he stopped and thought it through for several long moments before answering her. “I don’t know,” he replied. “You didn’t give me the chance.”

“I made the hard decision for you, I thought.” Kara sighed and leaned back in the chair, more drained than she had been since giving birth. “And I was wrong, so very wrong, to do that for you.” The image of Tierra filled her mind, giving her voice authenticity. “I’m wrong a lot, if you remember.” She calmly accepted any blame Lee would direct at her, as long as he was honest as well.

“Where is she?” He came over to her chair and knelt before Kara, his eyes still flashing.

“She’s where I said she was. I can’t explain it other than she’s well cared for and safe.” Kara leaned down and put her forehead against Lee’s, closing her eyes. “She has your eyes, Lee. Blue as the Caprican sky.”

 She felt rather than heard the hitch in his breathing. “What does she look like?” he asked, low and unsure.

“She’s a perfect combination of the two of us, Lee.” Kara hurt with the irony of that. “Just our best traits.”

His eyes closed as well, his breath ghosting across her skin, voice breaking a little when he asked, “I bet she has your hair, doesn’t she? A miniature little Starbuck-”

Kara laughed and drew away from the intimate moment. “Thank the gods, not quite. She’s much more respectful, and intelligent, and-“

“You talk like she’s all grown up!” Lee half-joked. When Kara didn’t respond, his expression changed to wary understanding. Kara’s assurances that the child was well cared for, the description of a very un-childlike child. Lee confirmed his thought. “She’s still in-between, isn’t she?”

Kara nodded, a tear leaking from her eye and rolling down her cheek as she thought of Tierra.

“Where time doesn’t flow normally.” Lee stated; his entire posture slumped and his voice became tired. “So I’ve missed everything, then. She’s not a child anymore.”

“No, she isn’t, Lee. She actually wasn’t a child for very long.” Kara’s voice held regret. Those weeks- was it weeks? She still wasn’t sure-- with Tierra as a baby would be forever etched in her mind as bliss. Now, she realized that Lee would never experience that, and felt badly for it. “But she was the most beautiful and best behaved child I’ve ever met.”

Slowly standing, Lee shook his head. “I’ll have to take your word on that.”

“I’m sorry, Lee. There’s so much I have to be sorry about, and I can’t make any of it up to you.” Kara wiped at another leaking tear.

“You could try,” he said. The emotion, the hurt, in Lee’s voice almost broke her.

Gathering her courage, knowing that he would be even more upset with her once she finished what she had to say, she jumped in to explain Tierra’s unique heritage and destiny. “She-“  Kara took a deep breath. “Tierra’s the key to Earth. She knows the way. From the place in-between, she can guide us.”

“How?” Lee asked, obviously still confused. 

“She can tell me the steps to Earth, piece by piece. It’s part of what makes her, us, special.”

“Why her?” Anger made Lee’s voice rough.

“Because of who we are.” Kara answered matter-of-factly.

Lee frowned, unhappy. “Who are we to have this child?”

“We’re Heroes, Lee.” Kara sighed. She found herself doing that a lot lately. “Back in our families, way back, a god fell in love and frakked a human.”

Lee shook his head in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

“The classical definition of a hero- half-god, half-human, allowing the Hero to possess special strength and skills, to have a destiny and aid from the gods. Like Hercules.” Kara stood, laying her hand on Lee’s cheek and drawing his attention in to her. “You never knew how apropos your call-sign was.”

“I don’t-“ Lee continued before Kara cut him off.

“We are the descendants of Phoebus Apollo, and our child is destined to lead the remnants of the Twelve Colonies to Earth, reuniting humankind.” Kara closed her eyes, leaving her hand cupped on Lee’s face for a moment. “She accepts this much better than I do.”

Lee knelt before her again and leaned his head against Kara’s thigh. “Will I ever get to see her?”

“They promised me, Lee. Once we reach Earth.” Kara stroked his hair almost absent-mindedly. “Until then, I can only reach her while I’m dreaming.”

“Can I?” he asked morosely.

“I don’t know,” she replied honestly. “I didn’t ask.”

“You really hate me, don’t you?” Lee asked. “I wouldn’t leave Dee, and I was happy, and you weren’t-“

“I could never hate you now, Lee.” Kara drew his face up to look at her. “I have Tierra because of you. She’s more precious than anything else in the world to me. I can take not having you as long as I have her.”

“What if you could have both of us?” he asked lowly.

“What about-“ Kara started to ask, then the small details of the room filtered in. There were no signs of Dee’s presence. No clothing left strewn about, no make-up or feminine toiletries. Even the bed, when she bothered to look, only looked slept in on one side. “Where is Dee?” she asked throatily, as if she suddenly couldn’t speak.

“Gone,” Lee said succinctly. “And it had nothing to do with you. She chose to leave; she chose to end it, while you were still gone.”

Licking suddenly dry lips, Kara asked something that had been bothering her since yesterday. “She came to see you when we landed yesterday-“

“And I told her that she had already made her choice. Our marriage was finished, and there were no more chances.” Lee wrapped his arms around Kara, pulling her to him. “That the fact that it was over had nothing to do with you being back, but it was damn convenient timing.”

Kara was having trouble breathing. “Do you mean…?” She couldn’t even finish her thought.

“It’s always been you.” Lee made Kara give him her eyes. “No matter what you did to me- it’s always been there, and I can’t make it go away. I tried, very hard.” He blew out a breath, and looked up at the ceiling. "I love you, Kara, even when I’d have been better off not, and now that you’re back-“ He lost his ability to speak for a second, as he blinked back tears. “I need you.”