that vision thang - to dance or not to dance

I was at a 70th birthday party last night. It was a 50s theme, and just about all the music and the attendees came from the time period. I actually enjoy the music-- both my senior prom theme and wedding song were 50s music. As the night was winding down, and people began leaving, I sat watching this one couple who were dancing next to their table, completely oblivious to people around them and ignoring the open area for dancing.  Its the same dance I think I've seen every couple in that demographic use for any song that wasn't slow.

I'm not even sure how to describe it accurately. Lots of spinning, coordinated hand holding, some kind of synchronized step pattern-- yeah, I don't dance, as you can tell from my attempt at description here.

I've never really danced, in any form. I think my only public dance performance was in the fourth grade, when I played a dancing flower in Alice In Wonderland. Put a fat girl in a big cardboard flower head and dance leotard, and make her twirl around next to the twig girls. Can you see why maybe I never got up the courage to dance?

Now, if you aren't willing to dance as a teenager, you lose out. That's when everyone learns how to-- dance classes, those silly after Catholic school/CYO things in the gym, just hanging out with friends. Yeah, I didn't do those things, either, so-- no dance skills. Unless you count square dancing in gym class, where no one really wanted to be my partner (the whole isolate the smart fat kid thing,) And although my grandmother wanted me to take ballet lessons, those frequent comments about me essentially being an extraordinarily clumsy bull in a china shop didn't help the self-confidence much, either.

I preferred head banging, a singularly solitary dance-like motion, and moshing, which is more injuring others than dancing and my large size is actually an advantage.

So now, when I am at a function that dancing is a part of, I sit it out. Over the years, I've gotten braver. I did my required dances at my wedding, without too much trauma (but quite a few drinks to loosen up the joints.)  I will dance like a silly, silly woman around my living room with my daughters (as long as the front blinds are closed.) I've ventured a move or two in front of my classes, when they've asked if I will dance at the prom and won't take my I-look-like-I'm-having-a-seizure reason for not dancing. It always gets me a laugh or two. But lately, the talk about dancing and watching people dance has made me want to dance.

Honestly, I never thought it would happen. But watching people who know how to dance and enjoy it is like reading a novel by a really good author, or hearing a very good singer sing. The dance itself does not have to be perfect, by any means. And I don't mean ballet or something. Simple dancing. What makes it good is the enjoyment of the people doing the dancing, which is what I've always lacked. I was always too busy being self-conscious, worrying about how I looked to others instead of concentrating on how it felt to be moving.

I regret that now. At almost thirty-five, I am so much more comfortable with myself, who I am, and not caring a great deal about what others think. My husband and I have created a life together that gives me a place to be myself and have someone who completely supports me, no matter how goofy I may be. We have gathered friends around us over the years that reinforce that. My family's opinion is not as crippling to me if we have a difference, as years of differences and opinions have shown me, repeatedly, that they are not always right. Teaching for eight years and trying to get teenagers to give a rat's ass about anything other than themselves has taught me to laugh at and make fun of myself to get their attention. It has also taught me to be more self-forgiving in order to try and teach them to be less judgmental of themselves and others as well.

But the desire to dance has grown. Music that is good to dance to will make my muscles want to move. And I've grown bolder. Not only did I ask my husband to dance with me several times last night, I even asked two of our male friends. Granted, I stuck to slow numbers and still stumbled and stepped on toes.

But I did it.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers